“I will study your commandments
and reflect on your ways.”
[Psalms 119:15]

Ours first, that’s where it starts.

 

 

It’s been something on my mind lately especially after coming back from the internship at Boston.

I feel that just as the church claims to be open for anyone and everyone to enter, many times, we have actually
unknowingly shut the doors ourselves. I ask myself why do some people cringe once they hear the word “church”.
Why do they feel threatened? Why do they have a feeling that a group of scary holy people are going to pounce on them
and force them into believing something they don’t want to?
It’s ironic that just as we preach FREEDOM, it seems like we’re portraying the direct opposite to unbelievers.
On the other hand, I find people who are not interested not because they really aren’t but because they have a misconception of the kind of posture or look that christians take…and they feel out of place. that its not their “thing”.
They feel that they can’t belong…that the church looks too “holy” and “good” and they’re not.
Funny that I’ve heard some people say that.
Didn’t Jesus hanged out with the prostitutes, the outcasts, the poor, the hated tax collectors, the sick that were shunned?
Its ironic that just as we speak with our mouths that we do not judge. that it is only God that judges…it seems
ppl feel more judged and criticized in church than outside of it.
Just as we can be ourselves in the presence of God, why do many christians still hide who they are from people in church
but yet are able to be themselves outside of it?

Definitely something has to change.
There is a need to break this image we are portraying down.
There is a need to get to the crux of why we are giving this kind of impression to others.
Something has to be wrong.

We have unknowingly excluded ourselves from the world…and it has nothing to do with being holy and “setting ourselves apart”. It is an exclusion that is stopping us from being effective in evangelism.

There are definitely many situations that we can’t avoid/stop/solve.
I can’t heal the hurt of one who was betrayed by a christian friend.
I can’t stop the pain of one who was ostracized by christians.
I can’t help reconcile the fact of one who is under the pressures of a christian’s preaching
but yet the witness of the christian’s hypocritical doings.

But what we can do is start from ourselves.
Be the one that help start afresh their perspective of a believer.
Be the one that correct the misconceptions.
Be the ambassador.
As a church we need to start developing ourselves not only individually but collectively.
Let us stand up and represent.

Our God is not the kind of God portrayed in the minds of christian-haters.
Let’s show them how awesomely amazing, how beautifully sweet, how lovingly patient
is our God. Not through “brainwashing”,not through insensitive throat-shoving,
not through annoyingly persistent preaching….but through genuine love, understanding,
open-mindedness, care, concern and trust in God.

We can’t change the hearts of man.
It’s up to God and only God can.
Pray not first that God change their hearts,
But ours first, coz thats where it starts.

 

 

 

Daring to say sorry

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=vRVUQHUQ4sQ]

a reminder…
of DARING to say sorry.
of DARING to own up.
of DARING to change and allowing people to enter your life and help you do it.
a reminder to be humble.

“It is sad to think how many there are, even today, upon whom the death of Christ, the establishment of his spiritual body the Church, the sacred New Testament, and all of the ordinances and blessings of Christianity, are utterly lost in the indifference and lethargy of mankind.” – matthew henry

“Wishing will never be a substitute for prayer”
- Ed Cole-

the thinking that cripples me.

Here’s a problem I commonly face.
I think too much about thinking too much.
Many a times i find myself faced with a dilemma.
Most of the time it starts with “am i doing something wrong?”
I start reflecting and considering many ways to look at the situation.
I try listening and considering other people’s opinions about it.
I try recalling what I know of the Bible that can hint me a direction.
I try praying and seeing what my conscience is telling me.
Even my so-called conscience in itself is sometimes warped.
By my experiences, my upbringing, my environment etc.
A very simple example was that a few years ago, when I first started
studying in SAE, I had a period that I wasn’t regularly attending sunday services.
I had school practicals that needed my weekends (e.g. studio recording/ video shoots)
and my schedules were often inflexible due to many limitations.
On one of the occasions that I did attend service, I recall meeting a friend who started
swinging fingers at me because I haven’t been to church for awhile.
It really made me feel guilty.
And I struggled with the guilt. Its a misconception that being absent for Sunday Service was
a sin. However, I still felt guilty because my heart was afraid the misconception to be true. It was a guilt I inflicted on myself.
Of course, I figured out eventually what was happening through prayer and the Word.
However through this, it made me question my conscience often nowadays.
Is this bad feeling something God is trying to tell me or is it just ME?
It really could just be a misunderstanding of ideas.
A faulty and warped system of belief about the Word and God.
(something we’re all learning to correct and accurately understand throughout our lives.)
And once I kick-start such thoughts, I just jump back and forth with the whole,
“maybe its just me”, “maybe its God”, “maybe its just me, trying to think its God”,
“maybe its just me trying to think its God, when its really just me.”,
“maybe its God, but I’m in secret denial and think it’s just me.”

omg. and the mind battle just goes on and on and on sometimes.
That at the end of the day, I just get so afraid I end up considering
to think everything to be an error on my side. just to be on the safe side.

It really sounds ridiculous, but i often get that.
Not with regards to things like my previous analogy about “church-going”.
That, through understanding the Word, I know often, God is more concerned not with the action
but the attitude of the heart.
Just other small things and decisions in life that I tend to be perhaps too sensitive about and
end up inflicting myself with guilt for some reason.
I mean, I do want to walk in a way pleasing to God.
But I end up crippling myself because of what I think, or allow myself to brood about.

Today, I went for J333 in church.
It’s kinda like a prayer service.
The theme of “God’s Sovereignty” started playing in my head well before the worship
leader led a song that seemingly matched my impressions.
In fact, the direction of the prayer service that day was focusing on God’s Reign!
(That really encouraged me. To know that somehow God was leading my thoughts.)
What caught me by surprise was when someone during the prayers mentioned about Fear.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
- isaiah 41:10-

It suddenly dawned on me that I was constantly fearing about the decisions that I make.
Me thinking very much into it, makes the whole matter even worse!!
God is sovereign over my life.
Even if I failed. Even if I made a mistake. Even if I’m still holding on to my many misconceptions about Him.
I should not fear myself. My inadequacy. My lack of perfectly and accurately understanding God and His Word.
We all have that! God will take care of it!
God is sovereign over my life.
I should not be fearful.

The thanks I give for the things received.

The thanks I give for the things received
Without knowing how much more I should give.

The past few weeks have been an amazingly different experience from the past few months.
For those who have not known yet, I have actually deferred my degree course in SAE so that I can go for an
internship. Its under a Gambit-MIT summer program where I’ll be going to MIT (Boston) for 9 weeks
to be involved in creating a game prototype to demonstrate some research as a compliment to traditional
academic publishing. Sounds complicated, but basically I’m just going there to do sound effects and music compositions
for a game my designated team will be producing.
And that in itself is one big opportunity I feel God has provided for me!!
Honestly, I never knew I’d be going to MIT when I applied for the program.
Going through the portfolio filtering, the audio tests, and lastly the interview…
I NEVER knew=X. hehe.
Well, I should have read the details more.
It was kinda like a last minute decision of spontaneity to try it out…
and I am surprised and really thankful till this day of what has happened and
what I’ll be going through.

Because of postponing my classes to a later date when I’m back from the trip,
I’ve been having quite a bit of spare time on my hands.
Don’t ask me why, but somehow I still feel busy.
ahhaha!
I just can’t sit still and somehow I find myself filling out my schedules to
do SOMETHING.
And I really thank God how through the past weeks, I have been REALLY blessed
through my random activities.
Just in a span of 3 weeks, I’ve been getting to know people who I seldom communicate much with.
And I appreciated all those moments.
The many sharings that have been exchanged.
The many conversations about God.
The many chances to understand my friends on a deeper level.
The many random updates of random friends that excite me even more to want
to thank God for them and keep them in prayer.
(just a general summary)

I’m amazed somehow that the past few weeks, I was given quite a bit of opportunity to share about God
to many of my friends. And just as I share, I had many opportunities also to listen to others share about God
and their thoughts to me. It felt like an intensive evangelistic period to a certain extent. ahaha!
and i LOVED it. No conversation topic on earth can beat the topic of God and His goodness and His awesomeness.
Well, my opinion. ahahah!

I’ve been making a point that everyday, I want to open my eyes and observe and see what I can give thanks for/learn from God that day.
And through the randomness of my events, every day was significantly different.
And without fail (also, weirdly that it was to my surprise), I CAN find something. Always.
Not that on normal days I can’t find something to thank God for, but somehow these past weeks had REALLY
many funny things that have crossed my path. Things that were weirdly different and out of place from a normal
day (sometimes) and caught my attention. To list all of them down would be very tedious for me now. hehe.
But maybe if I have the discipline next time to blog, I’d probably pluck some out of memory to share.

In general, I just want to give thanks!
For everything!
The thanks I give, will never be enough.
Because I do not know and understand how much I have been blessed.
Seriously.
We all don’t.
But still. Thank You Lord.

Closing my eyes after praying.

A new personal insight that I have gained recently.
To close your eyes while praying is one thing.
To close your eyes AFTER praying is another.

The visual image of one opening their eyes after prayer gives me this metaphorical
sense of an awakening. (note: no biblical reference. just my exaggerative imagination)
We quiet ourselves in prayer, we connect and communicate with God.
Then we open the doors (of our eyes) and allow our minds to step back into the
physical world, refreshed, renewed, empowered, bold, inspired…
(imagine a close-up shot of a person’s face, praying. and after the “AMEN”,
the eyes open in slow motion. A metaphorical scene of a door opening into
a different world. Then, back to the scene of the eyes. The eyes has a different feel to it.
Previously, before it was closed, it was filled with fear and uncertainty. And now, it emerges
underneath the eyelids, hopeful, calm and strong.)

Taking away the cinematic tone of the situation, nonetheless, none of that happened
to me last week.
It had nothing to do with God obviously. Just me.

I recall praying as hard as I thought I could on the train during
peak hour on a Monday morning (heading to school).
It was a day I wanted to redirect my focuses.
An initiative to set my spiritual eyes straight on God again and not getting
clouded by the happenings in the world.
A start that happened because I realized I was kinda out of touch with God and really want to
do something about it.

Here’s a list of prayers I prayed:
1) The “I want to get close to you” prayer
2) The “I will read your Word” prayer
3) The “I want to hear from you” prayer
4) The “Use me” prayer

And then “VROOOOOoooooom” !!
My week went by like a speeding motorcycle.
I went about being busy with my stuffs but at the back of my mind remembering I should still
TRY to open my eyes and ears to listen to God.
Or at least that was what I said to myself.
Telling it to myself is one thing.
Having it at the back of my mind is one thing.
Whether was it a priority is ANOTHER thing.

I remember my previous entry ending with the notion of SEEKING GOD.
And here I was barely seeking God.Probably only in my thoughts and imaginations and with my words.
It’s feeling’s kinda similar to the idea of lying on your bed and praying when you’re really
actually almost falling asleep.
YOU DON’T PRAY ATTENTION… whoops! i mean PAY.
(haha!)

You probably think you’re earnest but you’re not.
You try to focus but you don’t.
and before you know it, you find yourself not listening to what you’re praying about!
In a way, its actually ridiculously funny.

I ended the week wondering,
“Hey! I wanted to hear from God. Why didn’t I get anything?”
If i were to look at my life from an outsider’s perspective,
I’d probably looked really dumb asking that question.

Because, it was only when I reflected at the end, that I realized that God was answering my prayers.
It was only when I reflected that I realize the recurring theme of “loving others” (AGAIN!) that kept
coming back through people and events.
And here’s the CLIMAX of the story.
Around the ending of the week, on one day, I met a stranger in school.
My first interaction with him was not a good one.
I kinda got a scolding (well, more like painful sarcasm) over nothing that I did.
Unjustified I felt.
I didn’t know him, so it was easy not to take it to heart.
In the beginning, I smiled back and just overlooked the statement.
However, after certain other actions that followed (from that stranger),
it really fumed me. And it definitely accumulated in my heart.
I seldom have an issue with being friendly, but that very day, I was probably the most unfriendliest
person you’ve ever met.
Well, I wasn’t mean to him.
And I didn’t do anything that harmed him.
But in my heart, I was treating him cold.
I was withholding love.
And it was after that day, only while sharing it with someone, that I realized…
THAT WAS A TEST!
The whole week of hints and then the test.
And I was blinded to the whole play of events!!
Never knew what hit me.
OBVIOUSLY, I failed big time.
BIG TIME.

When it was time to open my eyes after praying, I went the other way round and closed it instead.
Another big wake-up call that has left me dumbfounded.

An encouragement to those who, like me, yearn to listen to God but find themselves clueless of what to do.
Sometimes, all you need to do is recall.
Take some time to ponder and dissect the play of events.
It’s not about forcing a link into things and forcing an imagination of God’s actions on things…
More like a discovery…
And you might be dumbfounded by the things you’ll discover.
Just as I felt ashamed by my lack of love.
I also can’t help being amused at how ridiculous I was.
I’m speechless at the fact I never noticed the play of events the whole time when I was in it.
God wasn’t the one silent.
I was the deaf one.